FCKuCANCER.

so something happened last week that i wasn’t ready to talk about until now…

last wednesday, while waiting to be called back for radiation, another patient got to ring the bell. if you aren’t aware, the bell ringing is a ritual done when you finish treatment. it’s the closing of the treatment chapter, and hopefully the beginning of a life lived post-cancer. it’s the “hope that you never have to go through that shit again” phase of life. it’s the “cheers to being in remission heretofore.”

it IZ a pretty big fucking deal and it’s very fucking emotional.

i have been present for bell ringings before. it’s a pretty joyful occasion, but this one hit different.

although i was very happy for the person and their family, i was overcome with a deep sadness for myself. it’s an experience that i won’t get to have. and that realization never came to me before that moment, quite like that. my treatments won’t really ever end — until i do. they may pause. they may change from one drug to another. but the true meaning behind that damned ringing isn’t an experience afforded to us mbc’ers.

i talked about it in group later that day because my emotions were still very raw, and i know i have to make my peace with it. but, i haven’t yet. i know i will get to a better headspace. and, i am truly happy for everyone who does get to live that experience. and, i will celebrate with them every time, and mean it. but, for right now…

it’s fuck-that-got-damned-bell.

fin.