FCKuCANCER.

but first, cancer…

nothing really new to report. i still have it, so there’s that.

me. a liar. picture it. sicily, 2021. may.

little known fact is that i have battled depression off and on since my teens. doesn’t make much sense on paper since i have lived a relatively privileged life. thing is, that shit don’t matter. depression doesn’t care. and although it’s “treatable” it really is something that you suffer through, rather than get over. at least that has been my experience. and right now, i am deep in the trenches.

i say all that to say. i am a liar. y’all ask me how i am doing, and i say i’m ok. like, trust me, i am everything but ok. but comparatively, i know i am doing better than a lot of people with this disease. so i say i am ok. because i am grateful. and blessed. and surrounded and covered by great support. but if i am being honest with myself, and you, i am not ok. i’m not even sure i know what ok looks like anymore.

this shit is a real mindfuck. i am tired. exhausted. yet sleep tends to escape me.

i think about death constantly. i replay things in my head…knowing full-well doing so is futile. i can’t change a damned thing that has already happened. shoulda coulda woulda what-ifs only lead to darker spirals.

it’s as if the world around me hasn’t skipped a beat, but i’m stuck, watching from the sidelines.

i wish i could snap myself out of this feeling, hell i wish i could snap myself out of a lot of things. like cancer, for one. but then if i don’t have it, someone else would. and they might have kids and a happy marriage and whatnot. so like, if me having this terrible disease spares someone else, i guess i’m ok with that.

see. there goes that word again. but i’ve decided that for me, ok means oh-i’m-keening. pretty sure that perfectly describes my current state.

fin.