FCKuCANCER.

so in this episode of why am i awake i figured i would let you guys know whats been going on with me. i mean i’m up and it’s been a while since we “spoke”.

ok i guess we can get the medical shit out of the way.

my back has been bothering me again something serious. like for the past few months, and it’s getting progressively worse. at the end of december i had a ct scan and it came up empty. i reached out to my doctor again and scheduled a bone scan. the scan was last friday, and here’s when the fun begins…

mom was insistent about coming with me. i promised her the scan wasn’t a big deal but still she persisted. ha. yeah so bone scans themselves don’t take long, but the appointment is like almost a full day. we got there around 9.30 and that was a whole ordeal within itself. rewind: see this is a new year, so my deductible and out-of-pocket maximums have yet to be met. i got a call in the days leading up to the scan asking me for money – seven hundred american dollars to be exact and the way my bank accounts are setup…

so boom, i talk to the financial assistance lady and she remembers me. see i’m in a sticky sitch. i have a job, and it actually pays well but yeah, i didn’t plan for cancer and a separation so i ain’t got it. and, because i have a job, i don’t qualify for any of the financial assistance from the various cancer charities. and, since texas doesn’t legally recognize separations, i don’t qualify for any from the hospital. i say all that to say, i ain’t got it and i told her so. we cracked some jokes about being broke and, she told me to go ahead with the scan. she’d add it to the bill so to speak. cool. cool. cool.

fast forward: we’re in line checking in. i’m expecting this to go smoothly. i docusigned all the paperwork ahead of time. i’ve gotten the billing situated. we should be gravy. but nope. registrar doesn’t see the billing stuff so now i’m low-key pissed because, like, this is embarrassing. i thought this was taken care of and, i don’t want to miss my scan. also, i don’t want to have these billing conversations in front of my mother. ugh. so now i have to sit and wait to talk to someone. so we sit. thankfully i am my mother’s child, at least i was on that day, and was an hour early for the appointment. apparently, i’m not the only one with these issues because the man after me had to come and sit too. now this is where i’m really about to turn into my mother’s child, because he gets called in before me. and let me tell you, me and barbara were about to start raising hell. at the exact moment our pots started to boil over, another woman comes out of her office and puts a hospital band on me. i’m good to go.

bam. i go check in at imaging and they tell me they won’t be able to get to me til my actual appointment time. which is fine. i confirm that i don’t have to fast and we go to the caf for breakfast. listen – best croissant i have had in a minute. too much egg tho.

back to the bone scan. first i have to get injected with the contrast, and it has to work its way in my system. so, when i get called back, i get shot and now we have a couple of hours to kill. i think we went back to the car and slept. once it was time for the actual scan momma asked them if she could go. they said yes, and now that i’m typing this i’m upset that i didn’t have her record it so you guys could see it. if you’ve read all my blogs let me remind you. this is the one that you lay on the table and the machine gets so close you almost can lick it when its over your face. like, its disturbingly close. the whole time i was planning my escape if the damned thing malfunctioned and started crushing me. all-in-all the scan probably took fifteen minutes. now we play the waiting game for my discs. y’all know i don’t leave without my images.

can i tell you a secret? i haven’t looked at my images in a while. i dunno, i think i’m getting less inquisitive as time passes. maybe i have cancer fatigue? anywho, later that night i get the mychart notification that the results are in. and i don’t say anything to momma about it because, i dunno, i guess i’m trying to shelter her from as much as i can. don’t ask me why because it’s not rational, at all.

anywho. the findings make no sense to me. my doctor’s notes say everything is good – obviously not so, i have cancer. but like, nothing new of issue to report — but when i read the radiologist’s, or whoever does the actual report, findings i am not so convinced that things are all good. the report notes one area where the cancer has been reduced, but it specifies two area of “uptake” and it mentions some on the “inferior tip” of right scapula. now this is when i start freaking out. because i don’t recall any mention of my scapula before. so like i screenshot the report and send it to bridgette. i need to know what i am missing. why is my doctor saying that this is good when i’m reading it and it doesn’t seem good to me.

well, america. bridgette said i’m not missing anything. so i reached out to my doctor for clarification. yay, now i get to silently freak out for the entire weekend.

fast-forward to monday. doctor’s office responds and we set an appointment up for tuesday. now here’s where things are going to fly by because i’m starting to get tired…

my doctor is insistent that uptake in this case does not mean increase. that it just means its where there was more contrast (probably not the right words but hopefully you get what i mean) than in the rest of my body. she pulls up the current scans and the old ones side by side and you can definitely see a difference. for the better. and she also shows me where my scapula was mentioned before. and now i just feel ridiculous. why didn’t i go back and look? i have all the info, literally at my fingertips. makes no damned sense.

i guess we all need a lil freak out every once in while to prove we are still living?!

meh. i’m still on the fence about it. might talk to the other doc for another opinion. gotta look at everything this weekend and see how i feel. i’m a whole mess. also, my next xgeva shot has been scheduled and yeah. apparently my portion is two grand. waiting on my friend from financial assistance to call.

and so the cycle begins…