FCKuCANCER.

now where did we leave off? i think we were at deodorant. so the brand that is working, so far, is schmidts. i also found that the trick to baking soda free is to get the sensitive skin formula.

keep in mind, you don’t HAAAVE to do baking soda free, but if you make the switch and notice you start breaking out…check the label and see if it has baking soda. if it does, that’s most likely the cause. did i mention that you are supposed to go without deodorant altogether for a bit before you transition to the natural? at least that’s what the internets say…and we all know the internet never lies

ok so i have like four or five more things to catch you up on. no idea if we are going to get through them tonight, i’m tired and my arm is still sore from my shot but we’ll see…they are all related. buckle up we might be going a bit dark.

so as you can imagine, being diagnosed with any disease puts a lot of shit in perspective. quickly. i could say that a terminal diagnosis even more-so, but everyone’s journey is different and i’m not about to play the my shit is worse than yours game. elena said i was grieving. i don’t remember specifically what we were talking about, but that stuck with me. i am grieving. it’s kind of difficult to explain but i am grieving the life i used to have and the person i used to be. its something i hope all of you never have to understand. it is really gut wrenching and it catches me off guard at the most random of times. it can swallow you whole if you let it.

you get to a point where the rush of the initial diagnosis lulls. the appointments and scans kinda stop. the phone doesn’t ring as much and you are just left with your thoughts. that’s pretty much where i am right now. and it’s a weird place to be. its like i am preparing to die. i know. i warned you, we were gonna get dark for a bit. but yeah. the best way to explain it is to bring up that age-old question…if you could know when you are going to die, would you want to? and if you did, what would you do differently? and don’t get me wrong, i can live for another 15 years, or i could get hit by a bus tomorrow — it’s virtually impossible to know when my clock is going to stop ticking but this diagnosis puts it all in perspective. like i knew there was clock, but it was off in the distance, in a closet somewhere…cancer put the shit right in my face…and now its like i’m in detention, listening to it tick and watching the hands move.

so yeah i said all that to say — i’m thinking about death constantly. and making preparations. first. rodney helped me with my will. and fuck i have soooo much insurance. i was talking to a friend on twitter and she said her and her husband look at everything annually — which by the way, is a good idea. talk about the shit before you NEED to talk about the shit — and she said jokingly she’s trying to figure out a way she could off herself and come back to collect the money!! hundred percent agree. like i wanna enjoy my shit now…what do i care what happens when im gone!

second. i created a scholarship at sfa in travis’s name. travis was one of my best friends in college. he was just an awesome, smart, funny, loving, amazing soul. and he passed away the semester before we graduated. travis had a disease that left him with no central vision but it didnt stop him from living life to the fullest. he was also hell bent on being independent. sound familiar? if you weren’t in his circle, it would be easy to believe he wasn’t blind. like before each semester began, one of us would take his schedule and walk him to all of his classes, so he knew where to go. no cane. no animals. determination. anywho, the travis henry carter memorial scholarship will be awarded to any student with a disability who meets the gpa requirement. the scholarship will be fully funded by one of my policies. it was something that we tried to do when he passed away, but we didn’t raise enough money, and every year i have said i would start making donations, but bills and life happened. so yeah it was very important to me to get it done.

third. once i got my virtual house in order it was time to get it done literally. i thought it was unique, but found out in group that a lot of people go through this…i have gone through room by room and basically sorted and reorganized the entire house. i am almost done. my office and the attic are what’s left. and i started on my office like two months ago. i have a lot of shit, and not a lot of energy to devote to it, but little by little its getting done.

fourth. my cancer binder is going virtual. so as techie as folks think i am, i really am a big paper planner nerd. at least i try to be. when i was first diagnosed everyone said you need to get a binder to keep everything straight…and man they were right. there are so many documents and scans, and tests, and medications and appointments. just a bunch of shit to keep track of. so i scoured the internet and bought a new planner system that i wanted to try, and mixed it with an old tried and true one. i bought all new stickers and the whole shebang. you do not want to know how much money i spent. but here’s what happened. i was tired. and did not keep it up. plus, it was pretty large so it wasnt something i packed with me to appointments. i discovered that paper planners just really are not working for me, and for cancer. so you know what i did? i bought an ipad mini. i mulled it over for weeks. i have never understood the whole ipad craze. for just as much money you can get a fully functioning laptop, so that’s what i always did. i also pay attention to apple’s release schedule and make it a point to never buy a device if a new one is on the horizon. well i caved and bought a mini in late december/early january and an apple pencil. even though i know a new one is rumored to come out in march. ladies and gents. i can admit when i am wrong. especially because it doesn’t happen often! the mini is the perfect size for me. plus they have “digital” paper planners – i didn’t know this was a thing. so i still have the experience of a paper planner, without all the paper. hands down best decision i have made in a while, but yeah check in on me in march. i will surely need to be consoled when that new mini drops.

ok, so number five. i contemplated long and hard about telling you guys about this one. this is the real reason i went on my hiatus. every time i posted, i felt like i was lying to you by not telling you. but it’s time. sal and i separated back in september. yeah i know, i really buried the lede there but there it is. some of you knew already, those of you who didn’t don’t hold it against either of us. life is hard. marriage is harder. cancer makes them both pale in comparison. one of the main things the doctors drive home is the need to reduce stress. and chiiild — we were skressed. like gorilla glue stressed. sidebar: can y’all believe that stupid shit? and her gofundme has raised eighteen thousand american dollars. why in the hell have none of y’all started a gofundme for me?! i have cancer, ya know?!

anywho…i got off topic — cancer cells love meat, junk food, alcohol and stress, apparently. the short story is we love one another, but we weren’t working as a pair. remember how i said cancer gives you perspective? we were both unhappy. and staying together because i have cancer, to me, is just as ridiculous as staying together for the kids. your world becomes a series of microaggressions and who does that help? if you don’t know it already — you aren’t fooling anyone but yourselves. the kids know, better than you do, that shit ain’t working out. and why do relationships have to end badly? why do they have to get to that point? i don’t think that serves anyone.

one of the reasons i waited so long to post this is because i know how this may look/seem to outsiders and i wanted to be respectful and cognizant of that. and just because i tell y’all most things, this wasn’t just MY story to tell.

ok, so i think maybe now you’re all caught up on my goings on. not so much humor in this one, but yeah i’m tired and i’m calling it a night.

yet another post i refuse to proofread. cause that’s my business…