FCKuCANCER.

radiation therapy day one. a log. so because the results from my covid test aren’t back yet, today’s sesh went a little different than anticipated. i spent the morning on the phone talking to the medical staff trying to figure out what the protocol is for therapy with a “iono” covid test result.

in a nutshell. i won an all expense paid trip to the end of the line. all my appointments got pushed to the end of the day. which really was fine with me, in reality it only pushed the appt back like twenty minutes. but there’s an added bonus. i had to drive up to the door. call the staff when i was outside, and a staff member would meet me at the car, in full ppe. and usher me in through the front door, but then immediately to the back door of the actual offices. i then am escorted past empty rooms (empty because i’m assumed covid+ so limited contact with err’body) and into the xray room lobby. there i meet a few monitors that show how they will be looking at me. i have to answer three personal questions before i’m allowed in the room. once in the room, i’m given a gown to swap into. i can’t use the dressing room, because, you know, the covid. limited contact. the tech explains what’s about to happen. basically, i have to lay on the table. they line me up using the stickers they put on me over a week ago. and yes, i guess they were right about that. they are still in tact. next they will do a prelim scan to make sure i’m lined up properly. quality control, if you will. then bam, lasers blast xrays into my cancer while i have to lie as still as possible. easy peasy.

so, at some point before i actually got on the table, i was asked what music i preferred to listen to. y’all this simple question had me shooketh. i could not answer. and i am music. like wtf. what can i say. nerves, amirite. the tech mentioned that they used spotify, so i fumbled through my phone and told her the name of a list i frequent. while i am changing, the speaker comes on and the wizard tells me that she can’t find the list and could i pick another one. shit. my mind is a complete mess. i have on a loose jumper and it’s still taking me forever to change out of it. now i have to fumble through my phone again, because i can’t think of one song i would like to listen to while lasers are waging war on the cancer cells on my spine. no pressure.

i see the queen and slim soundtrack playlist pic on my phone and i yell that to the tech.

y’all. i shit you not. i’m half naked. climbing onto a table that is the most science’iest table i have ever seen in my life. and this blares out of the speakers…

i can’t make this shit up. i hollered. like equal parts hilarity and sheer appall. i was so embarrassed. out of all the songs on that playlist, that’s the one she picked. it was a setup. of this i am sure.

i yelled to her. omg. that’s not right. that’s not it. r and b. please play r and b. and got my ass on the table.

so yeah. the rest of the visit went just as she explained. it was eerie. all of these machines rotating around me. and me trying not to focus on them and failing miserably, but also trying to stay as still as possible. holding on to the grips probably wayy too tight.

and then it was over. the whole thing didn’t last long at all. and the staff was all very nice. but this shit is just not normal. and i guess it’s gotta be. for me. nine more times.

whoacancer.