FCKuCANCER.

so its the end of work day two, and i literally just logged off. i absolutely had more to do, but its 11:30 and i figure that’s enough for today. i had a whopper of a meeting day. from noon to basically 3:30ish it was meeting after meeting. some didn’t last long, one went over. but still jam packed. then at 4, my teladoc appt with my therapist, which i definitely need now more than ever. and, while logging into it, i noticed an email from my nurse liaison about the cancer support group meeting, also today.

so yes, i am all meeting’d out.

then food, catch up on personal calls for normalcy. then my usual log back into work to catch the things i didn’t touch but should’ve throughout the day. full disclosure, the only reason i actually logged out just now is because i have literally attempted to enter a goal w/ like 6 keypoints into our new annual review system for the 10th time with the system refusing to save the damned keypoints.

i iz tired. yet i’ve only moved locations, now i’m in my bed, different laptop. still online. still not sleep. rain pouring – hoping its feeding the cucumbers i am desperately trying to grow, but not flooding the fish pond sal and i made for mother’s day. i want the five heartbeats and dylan to live to swim another day.

there was a point to this. there are things to say. sentences to formulate. but i am having trouble.

i guess i’ll back up and tell you how day 1 went. woke up, covered my port for the shower, only this time i didn’t use the press-and-seal. i remembered that i did have those fancy waterproof windowed bandages and gave that a try. i was feeling so accomplished. until it was time to take the stupid thing off. because see, i didn’t realize the entire thing was one big sticker. for some reason i had the idea in my head that only the outer edge that you pull off had adhesive, so when i started removing the bandage, i also started removing the dermabond. which yeah, don’t do that. had to make a trip to the infusion center at lunch so one of the nurses (i will call her my nurse because she administered my chemo – and i like her) could fix it. she assured me it was healing pretty well anyway, and just removed all of the dermabond, added steristrips and sent me on my way.

so day 1 of work was already marred by an unexpected trip to the hospital. i basically read through email, got my head caught up. opted into upcoming projects and tried to get back to a schedule. not a terrible day overall, just not a super productive one. i also had more energy so elena and i went on a longer walk. figured out that i can use my watch to still track the workouts, i just can’t stop them. i can only use the top diagonal cross section of the screen. the rest doesn’t respond to touch, so i can start and pause workouts, but to end them i have to restart the watch. works for now, so works for me. the crack doesn’t keep me from seeing any of the information clearly, it’s just more of an annoyance at this point. plus i know a new one will be coming out soon, so it can wait.

i am also happy to report that i finally sat down and filed the auto insurance claim yesterday as well. i would tell you what the quote from the dealership was, but trust me, you don’t want to know. i am overjoyed that i finally was able to get my dream car, but pretty sure i should’ve stayed asleep for another two years instead. fast forward to today, where i was supposed to drop the loaner off and get the rental from enterprise. obviously that didn’t happen. must find time in the am to give this dealership their car back. it was so nice of them to just put me in it, and i don’t want to cause any trouble for my service tech.

ok, now let’s talk cancer support group. i don’t know what i really expected, but it went exactly as i expected. if that made any sense. it was really good to be speaking to people who don’t know me, but we all share this experience. i don’t know how to describe it. cancer is pretty common these days, so yes there are more than a few resources at my disposal, in my own village, who i can, and have, talked to since my diagnosis. and though they have all been super helpful, it was oddly satisfying listening to people who don’t know me, talk about what they went and are going through. i’ll tell you what i didn’t expect. i had no intention to speak, but i was called upon and i did. my words were few and choked up at times, but i did it. i guess that’s a good thing. i always fancied myself the character in the movie that sat back in the support group and never said a word. apparently, i am not she. not today anyway.

i guess that’s it for now. i know there are other things i had in my mind to jot down, but i’ll leave them for another day. it is after all now 12:05 in the am and if i plan on making a serious attempt to get to the dealership before work, i really need to shut my eyes.