FCKuCANCER.

ok this morning i was a ball of nerves. the port makes it all real. today my village was elena and momma. covid rules be damned.

so they call me back to the room, i get changed, vitals are taken. i meet my nurse who is also a patient of my oncologist and is in the middle of her chemo. we do not have the same type of breast cancer, but it was reassuring to see her still working. now all this has happened and now i am playing the waiting game. listening to the nurses at the station gossip, i learned that i am number 2 in line for surgery today. as luck would have it, i left my phone with elena, so im forced to text on my watch and listen to more hospital gossip. ugh. this is not helping my nerves.

finally i asked my nurse if my cousin could bring me my phone. chile she said yes. and she was even able to sit with me until it was time to begin. that was great for my nerves, but sadly short-lived. i heard the nurse gossip, the first in line wasn’t ready, so i was moved up. YAY /sarcasm.

now this is where the feels shot through the roof. this is not my first rodeo. i have had surgeries before. this was different. they did not give me the gas before wheeling me off. I WAS WIDE AWAKE…

this is not how this went in my head at all. i fasted. i did everything i was supposed to do but there i laid, wide awake, wheeling into the damned operating room. i was introduced to the entire staff. man i don’t want to meet these people. i had already met the doctor, i had already met my nurse. that’s all i needed. this was unsettling at best. so they shot me with lidocane or something else that numbed the area. and something that was supposed to make me sleepy. they put a tent up so i couldn’t see anything. it was like being at the dentist. i could feel pressure, i was awake, but no pain.

but really, i cried silently the whole time. my nurse came over and held my hand. the entire thing only lasted like 15 minutes, but yeah. i have stage iv cancer, and i’m starting chemotherapy tomorrow.

oh and then i had to go back in a few hours to get mri’s. lovely /sarcasm.

now that was an experience. loud – despite the ear plugs and pandora playing; long – because two, but really four because with and without contrast; and hot – despite the cold air blowing on my face.

i was ready for the day to be over, over. not too tired to get my discs tho.